Skip to main content

10 Things I (Really F*cking) Hate About You


I've been trying really hard not to lose my shit. Life can be frustrating and painful and, every day, I have to teach myself to resist the impulse to randomly start slapping people in street.
I let myself fantasize about it, though. A man should always be allowed to dream.
Some people come up to me and suggest I try yoga, meditation, aromatherapy.
"Oh my God Valerio have you tried herbal teas? they're like TOTALLY helpful"
HORSESHIT.
This is what I like to do to release tension. I want to vent my frustration on a public forum and let people think I've lost it. If I can't yell profanities on the street then let me at least write them all here in my safe, mindfulness-free space. Don't be a hater.
Speaking of hate. Take a look at the title of this post. Does it ring a bell? You don't have to be a 90s rom-com aficionado like myself to remember the popular chick-flick 10 Things I Hate About You, with Heath Ledger and Julia Stiles.
At the end of the movie, the girl is so mad at this guy that she writes a poem that is basically a list of all the reasons why she hates his guts. I saw it and I was like ''uhm... active aggressiveness. I dig that".
And then at the end, when I thought we were finally going to reach a climax with a very offensive word or gesture, she goes: "But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all."
OH PISS OFF WILL YA.


So I thought, well someone's gotta finish the job. And 2017 gifted me with a long list of disappointing people that I can write about. Yet, someone managed to stand out. It was the rotten cherry on the top of a cake full of shit.
So here you go, cherry, this one's for you.
SPOILER: If you're expecting a plot twist or any sort of second thoughts in the last paragraph, you will be very disappointed. I just really fucking despise you.
1) I hate the way you rest your mouth when you're not speaking. You look like you're sucking on three invisible straws and it makes you look dumb.
2) I hate the way you've permanently ruined 'Wonderwall' for me. Fucking disgraceful.
3) I hate the way you use phrases and figures of speech that are completely irrelevant to the context. Like seriously that just doesn't make any fucking sense, shut up if you wanna look smart.
4) I hate the way you bend your wrist when holding your stupid phone. Who the fuck are you always texting anyway? We all know you don't have any friends and no one likes you. Stop trying so hard.
5) I hate the obtuse expression on your face and the way you laugh about things that do not concern you and you only pretend to understand.
6) I hate your insipid taste when it comes to music and films and your almost complete lack of charisma, character and personality. I'm pretty sure your favourite song is Infinity 2008. Yuck.
7) I hate the fact that I can't even finish this damn list because I couldn't even get to know you enough to discover all the other thousands of things I would have probably hated about you. 

The bottom line is: I hate you. Now bye, Felicia, go and get lost, 'cause this is the last line I write about you.



Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Valerio's Press Review: "GQ Magazine, April 2021"

Welcome to Valerio's Press Review, the series in which I read a magazine or newspaper (okay... look at the pictures) and write mean things about the people in them. It's fun! 1) A revitalising afternoon of clam-digging on Southend beach? A day of snorkelling by the port of Dover? Make sure you pack Rolex’s newest submarine watch! You don’t want the fish to think you’re poor.  2) Dolce & Gabbana’s latest collection. The question on everybody’s lips is: do you really want to look like your rich friend’s beach house bathroom? The answer is, and always will be, yes. 3) Sam Claflin for Barbour. A GQ insider told me that his puzzled expression is due to the fact that, for the whole duration of the photo shoot, Sam couldn’t help but wonder if he’d remembered to feed the cat before he left his flat. Models... they’re just like us <3 4) GQ’s Staycation must-have items. If you were stranded on a desert island and you could only bring one item with you, what would it be? Duh! A £32

La (Not So) Dolce Vita

Being Italian has been the single most beneficial asset in my dating life. Growing up in Naples, I was just a guy. In London, I became a “charming” Italian guy. In Milan, my Neapolitan accent is a liability. In the UK, apparently, it’s the sexiest sound known to man (and woman), the immigrant version of the siren song.   After taking residence in the Big Smoke, I quickly realised that Brits have a very precise idea of the Italian man, made up of mainly preconceived notions. They’re harmless for the most part, certainly romanticised, often flattering, but prejudiced nevertheless.   You know what they say: if you can’t beat them, join them. And join them I did. I first came to terms with the extent of my super-power that one time in 2015 when I held the door for a middle-aged woman at a Pret in North London. I said something like “after you” or “good morning” and as soon as she heard the effortless way with which the Rs rolled off my tongue she almost dropped her butternut squash salad o

Getting on with it

A friend of mine messaged me the other day about an opportunity to pitch a piece for a new magazine looking for articles about happiness and well-being. She swiftly withdrew her suggestion upon realising I had literally nothing to contribute to the subject. I can’t seem to shake off the ever so slight suspicion that my particularly abrasive brand of defeatist sarcasm is unlikely to go down well with an audience that’s after feel-good stories for a much-needed start-of-week pick-me-up (that’s enough hyphens for today). Life in the time of Miss Rona is predictably slow. Aside from the customary episodes of wretchedness which stud my life that I have already discussed at length on this platform, I have very little to write about. I am of course binge-watching the Crown (hence me casually using words like “wretchedness”). I have also decided to finally do something about my life-long shampoo addiction and reduce the frequency of my hair washing from once every 24 hours to once every 30 hou