Skip to main content

10 Things I (Really F*cking) Hate About You


I've been trying really hard not to lose my shit. Life can be frustrating and painful and, every day, I have to teach myself to resist the impulse to randomly start slapping people in street.
I let myself fantasize about it, though. A man should always be allowed to dream.
Some people come up to me and suggest I try yoga, meditation, aromatherapy.
"Oh my God Valerio have you tried herbal teas? they're like TOTALLY helpful"
HORSESHIT.
This is what I like to do to release tension. I want to vent my frustration on a public forum and let people think I've lost it. If I can't yell profanities on the street then let me at least write them all here in my safe, mindfulness-free space. Don't be a hater.
Speaking of hate. Take a look at the title of this post. Does it ring a bell? You don't have to be a 90s rom-com aficionado like myself to remember the popular chick-flick 10 Things I Hate About You, with Heath Ledger and Julia Stiles.
At the end of the movie, the girl is so mad at this guy that she writes a poem that is basically a list of all the reasons why she hates his guts. I saw it and I was like ''uhm... active aggressiveness. I dig that".
And then at the end, when I thought we were finally going to reach a climax with a very offensive word or gesture, she goes: "But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all."
OH PISS OFF WILL YA.


So I thought, well someone's gotta finish the job. And 2017 gifted me with a long list of disappointing people that I can write about. Yet, someone managed to stand out. It was the rotten cherry on the top of a cake full of shit.
So here you go, cherry, this one's for you.
SPOILER: If you're expecting a plot twist or any sort of second thoughts in the last paragraph, you will be very disappointed. I just really fucking despise you.
1) I hate the way you rest your mouth when you're not speaking. You look like you're sucking on three invisible straws and it makes you look dumb.
2) I hate the way you've permanently ruined 'Wonderwall' for me. Fucking disgraceful.
3) I hate the way you use phrases and figures of speech that are completely irrelevant to the context. Like seriously that just doesn't make any fucking sense, shut up if you wanna look smart.
4) I hate the way you bend your wrist when holding your stupid phone. Who the fuck are you always texting anyway? We all know you don't have any friends and no one likes you. Stop trying so hard.
5) I hate the obtuse expression on your face and the way you laugh about things that do not concern you and you only pretend to understand.
6) I hate your insipid taste when it comes to music and films and your almost complete lack of charisma, character and personality. I'm pretty sure your favourite song is Infinity 2008. Yuck.
7) I hate the fact that I can't even finish this damn list because I couldn't even get to know you enough to discover all the other thousands of things I would have probably hated about you. 

The bottom line is: I hate you. Now bye, Felicia, go and get lost, 'cause this is the last line I write about you.



Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Valerio's Press Review: "GQ Magazine, April 2021"

Welcome to Valerio's Press Review, the series in which I read a magazine or newspaper (okay... look at the pictures) and write mean things about the people in them. It's fun! 1) A revitalising afternoon of clam-digging on Southend beach? A day of snorkelling by the port of Dover? Make sure you pack Rolex’s newest submarine watch! You don’t want the fish to think you’re poor.  2) Dolce & Gabbana’s latest collection. The question on everybody’s lips is: do you really want to look like your rich friend’s beach house bathroom? The answer is, and always will be, yes. 3) Sam Claflin for Barbour. A GQ insider told me that his puzzled expression is due to the fact that, for the whole duration of the photo shoot, Sam couldn’t help but wonder if he’d remembered to feed the cat before he left his flat. Models... they’re just like us <3 4) GQ’s Staycation must-have items. If you were stranded on a desert island and you could only bring one item with you, what would it be? Duh! A £32

The Love Series: Dressed For The Occasion

I think we’ve all been there before. You’ve finally managed to bag a hot date. You approach the whole operation with scientific precision and military discipline. You pick the best time for both of you, scour Yelp for the cheapest restaurants with a minimum hygiene rating of 4/5 and proceed to send your location to the group chat so your friends know where to find your lifeless body in case your date turns out to be the millennial Ted Bundy/Aileen Wuornos. Everything is ready, planned to the last detail. But then the big day comes and, oh shit… you have nothing to wear. You lean into your closet and ouch, all you can see is a blurry cluster of old, faded, Salvation Army-ish items that all of your friends will promptly veto and report to the authorities (wearing them in public would indeed qualify as a lewd act) the moment they receive your panicked snaps. It’s like Primark’s reduced section on steroids. A felt jacket? Too shabby. A funky silk shirt with oriental patterns? too

Fifty shades of public transport: a journey to hell

This was meant to happen, sooner or later. I bet you all saw this coming. I mean, everyone who knows me has heard me complaining about any form of public transport at least once. And after spending one year in the busiest city in the world, where the tube is basically a national institution just like the Queen and cucumbers in sandwiches, I am ready to speak out. Even though I promised myself that I wasn't going to merely look through all the legendary stereotypes about public means of transport, the circumstances force me to mention at least some of them, clearly enriched with the inedited shades of absurdity that have been coloring my life since its very beginning. I'd start by describing you one of the most uncomfortable situation that my daily life offers me. No, wait, I'll reword this.  I am not talking of one particular episode. I mean, that's it: my life is an uncomfortable situation. But let's start from the beginning. I wake u