I've been trying really hard not to lose my shit. Life can be frustrating and painful and, every day, I have to teach myself to resist the impulse to randomly start slapping people in street.
I let myself fantasize about it, though. A man should always be allowed to dream.
Some people come up to me and suggest I try yoga, meditation, aromatherapy.
"Oh my God Valerio have you tried herbal teas? they're like TOTALLY helpful"
This is what I like to do to release tension. I want to vent my frustration on a public forum and let people think I've lost it. If I can't yell profanities on the street then let me at least write them all here in my safe, mindfulness-free space. Don't be a hater.
Speaking of hate. Take a look at the title of this post. Does it ring a bell? You don't have to be a 90s rom-com aficionado like myself to remember the popular chick-flick 10 Things I Hate About You, with Heath Ledger and Julia Stiles.
At the end of the movie, the girl is so mad at this guy that she writes a poem that is basically a list of all the reasons why she hates his guts. I saw it and I was like ''uhm... active aggressiveness. I dig that".
And then at the end, when I thought we were finally going to reach a climax with a very offensive word or gesture, she goes: "But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all."
OH PISS OFF WILL YA.
So I thought, well someone's gotta finish the job. And 2017 gifted me with a long list of disappointing people that I can write about. Yet, someone managed to stand out. It was the rotten cherry on the top of a cake full of shit.
So here you go, cherry, this one's for you.
SPOILER: If you're expecting a plot twist or any sort of second thoughts in the last paragraph, you will be very disappointed. I just really fucking despise you.
1) I hate the way you rest your mouth when you're not speaking. You look like you're sucking on three invisible straws and it makes you look dumb.
2) I hate the way you've permanently ruined 'Wonderwall' for me. Fucking disgraceful.
3) I hate the way you use phrases and figures of speech that are completely irrelevant to the context. Like seriously that just doesn't make any fucking sense, shut up if you wanna look smart.
4) I hate the way you bend your wrist when holding your stupid phone. Who the fuck are you always texting anyway? We all know you don't have any friends and no one likes you. Stop trying so hard.
5) I hate the obtuse expression on your face and the way you laugh about things that do not concern you and you only pretend to understand.
6) I hate your insipid taste when it comes to music and films and your almost complete lack of charisma, character and personality. I'm pretty sure your favourite song is Infinity 2008. Yuck.
7) I hate the fact that I can't even finish this damn list because I couldn't even get to know you enough to discover all the other thousands of things I would have probably hated about you.
The bottom line is: I hate you. Now bye, Felicia, go and get lost, 'cause this is the last line I write about you.