Chad and
Iris were sitting on the tracks of the abandoned railroad. The rails, imbued
with warmth, told the stories of the midday sun. A sun that Chad now was
struggling to see, as it was hidden behind the stone mountains, with no trees nor
plants, drawn on an indigo sky prematurely filled with pale, shy stars.
She stared at him,
trying to unravel its mystery. A lock of hair covering her lips, red as
cherries resting on the snow.
''Give me a
smile. It's your anniversary’'' she said.
He kept looking in the opposite direction, his eyes firmly planted on the wheat fields, endless
golden blankets that in summer transformed the barren grasslands of Missouri in
a Van-Gogh painting.
He turned
towards her, touching her face.
'' A year
'' - he said - '' A year. How many things can happen in one single year?
It 'a
trivial question, I know.
But think
about it for a moment, Iris.
One year.
365 days. A time segment, an astronomical measure, a civil convention.
It doesn’t matter.
Beyond the
fixed patterns and predetermined units, what is a year?
I don’t
know. I can’t explain it.
Perhaps it
is simpler than it appears.
Time is
relative. Each clock marks a different time.
Some years just
go by, slow and unnoticed.
Others,
instead, that between start and end compress infinite ages.
How can so
many events occur in one single year? ''
He said, right
before swallowing down another sip of liquor.
'' Mine is
a strange age.
Twenty
years old. What are twenty years?
Too much
and too little. Too soon and too late.
And for God’s
sake, I'm sure this will sound strange to you: but I don’t want to grow up. I
never have.
I’ve learned
a lot this year.
A job, a
language, a thousand songs.
I met
thousands of people this year.
Good or
bad, in the worst case both at the same time.
I have
seen, done, experienced and thought a lot of things this year.
But yet, I
fail to understand how this game works. And that doesn’t mean I haven’t tried. That
doesn’t mean I’m giving up.
But
sometimes I am just so tired. I didn’t give up to the passing of time: I went
against him, reaching it, sometimes catching it. But the more I run the more I collapse
under the violent impotence of those who run on the path of time and know that
it’s a way that can’t be crossed in reverse.
Sometimes I
wish I could go back to when I didn’t have to fight to find a way to escape
from the castle of glass that someone else has built for me.
In a small
big world where I didn’t need shelter, for there was no need to disappear.
Where I
didn't need sleeping pills or medicines for migraines.
Where
coffee is drunk for pleasure and not for necessity.
When I was
too young for wine.
Back to the
time when I had beauty, but ignored it.
Admiration, but I didn’t look for it.
Love,
but I didn’t need it.
And was it
worth it, in the end?
Opposing
the time and then walking towards it.
Running
towards my failures, confronting them, sometimes overcoming them.
And at the
end of the day, what did I gain?
I broke my
spell of invincibility. I swallowed a poisonous, self-inflicted awareness. I
embraced my vulnerability, in an attempt to choke it.
What was
the point… in experiencing the cold, humiliation, rejection and disappointment?
Not to make
me stronger, but to widen the gaps, to dig abysses, to trigger bombs ready to
explode under the feet of the people coming in and out of my life ''.
She
watched, astonished. The glass firmly kept between her thin fingers.
''There's
something inside of me '' - he went on - ''an indomitable energy that ignites
and extinguishes continuously, perhaps taking different forms, sometimes opposed
to each other: fear, hope, loneliness and euphoria.
I write
stories. That’s what I do. That’s who I am.
But not
now. Not with me. There is no ink in this pen. No blank spaces to fill in this
text that I struggle to comprehend.
There is no
control, prevision or plan that works.
I am the
victim of a greater force, a force that comes from a soul that has the depth of
a universe. A place where it’s always night, where the black holes attract you
and suck you in their annihilating vortex, where the stars shine and glow and
end up blinding you and burning you: a beautiful light, then the darkness. A
trail of black smoke, dark and impenetrable, to draw the silhouette of the man
I want to be and I am not.
I'd like to
celebrate this anniversary with a wish to myself, to the person I try to be: a
man who is king and master of his universe, one who controls the movement of
stars and dominates gravity. The king of a universe where a year is enough to
build the grounds of an invincible happiness, without space and without time.
But I can’t.
Because I missed
the right time and the right place.
Because maybe it is not the way it’s meant to
be. And it never will be''.
I just want to say that this story is great. I really like your writing, keep it up. Best wishes.
ReplyDeleteDear Callia. Thank you very much!!! I am really happy you liked it. I hope you will read something more from me in the future. All the best!
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